Woke up with some thought this morning, reflections from some dreams that I’ve been having… so, this may come off a bit tangential, but that’s just me. When I write here, I often just let my fingers walk the keyboard, take what feels good… let every thing else rest on the shelf:
Sometimes life is a series of beautiful disasters. It changes quickly, and in the process it changes us. We adapt, or we try to. We get to put our spiritual tools to the test, and we question the fabric of our reality. We often start asking the “why” questions. Why me? Why now? etc.. Sometimes the answers are not as simple as we’d like them to be, and sometimes they are so simple, that we miss the subtle nudges. Trust is not an easy thing to engage. It requires a level of surrender that many of us fear. A letting go, a deep release from the inside out. God sometimes has a way of stepping in and challenging our reality. Illness, upheaval, poverty, loss, are some of what I call “the sandpaper experiences”. I often see us as a piece of word in the hand of God, slowing being sanded and shaped into something beautiful, but often we don’t see what is coming, or perhaps we aren’t allowed to see. I tell my clients that if I was told by my intuition that I’d be sitting here, face covered in tattoos, teaching spirituality for a living, that I’d tell it NO WAY… but, here I am.
The past few months for me have been sandpaper moments. When I was in DC I had the deep challenge of trust. People, places and things no longer held the stability that they once had. The “safety” in my current reality was challenged, and I had to start letting it all go. In the fall, we still try to cling to the old masks, the old people, and places even if they are no longer serving our highest intent and good. We try to fit the square pegs into the triangle holes. I am seeing a lot of us go through these moments. The beautiful shattering of these experiences. We get to see how much power we are holding in these moments, and how much we have given away. We have to take responsibility for that power, and start to bring it back to us. As time moves forward, I’ll discuss dealing with specific challenges many of us face when dealing with trust: relationships, work, family, life itself, and spirituality.
When I was preparing to leave DC, there were moments when I felt angry. Anger is an emotion that is like fire, it can burn through things quickly. I was angry at everything, but did not have a place to direct my anger. It was just an emotion that needed to be acknowledged. We often try to suppress these emotions, but they are a natural part of the grieving process (if you are going through heavy change, I recommend looking up the stages of grief, it will help you identify and accept where you are as you go through the stages). As the fire of anger started burning in my heart center, I felt a peace wash over me. My intuition activated and asked,” Beloved, what are you angry at?”… I don’t know… “Beloved, there is not place to put this emotions. The people and events that are falling away are to be held in compassion, if you must place this anger somewhere, place in on me.” The peace that had begun to wash through me started to flood into the deepest parts of that moment. I view intuition as the voice of God speaking through my soul. In essence God was telling me, that if you must be angry, be angry at me… it’s okay, I can take it… but please hold compassion for those that you feel deserve your anger, because they don’t… the situation is what it is, just love it… and trust me.
In that moment peace was followed by a deep trust. It did not mean that I was not going to feel the emotions, the pain, the tearing… but now it also made a little room for the joy, the peace, and the compassion I needed to move forward. For an instant, I released control and let the divine drive the car, and things began to move quickly. When the world around us shifts at a rate of speed that does not allow us to “cling”, it challenges trust on multiple levels, we have to be kind to ourselves in this process. Journaling and yoga have been lifesavers. They allow me the space to dialog not only what was happening in my mental space, but yoga also allowed me to move the physical energy that had stagnated i my body. The pain is all part of the greater process of becoming who we truly are. Sometimes these moments come in slowly, sometimes they are larger explosions, but through all of it I find there is a deep thread of connection to something beyond us. Something that is guiding us gently through the many beautiful disasters we might face.
What is trust to you? What do you do when you feel trust being challenged? Do you find solace in your spirituality? What happens when your spiritual process are also challenged?
You are Loved. You are Beautiful. You are Divine.
Michael Brazell CFT CSN MAT PAT